Movie Trailer review, episode 16

I saw Stardust today with Lindsay.  We both liked it and I think people will be liking it for years to come.  We also had to sit though nine commercials… NINE!

The Golden Compass

I guess it’s based on a book series.  The polar bear looked cool.  Some actors are in it.  I don’t really care.

The Spiderwick Chronicles

Another book series.  It seemed a little bit like The Neverending Story crossed with The Chronicles of Narnia.  And it looks like pure trash.

The Nanny Diaries

If I was a professional film critic and I were paid to see this film and write an unbiased review of it then I would.  But I’m not.  This film is exactly the kind of trash that is stealing our culture…. it’s not amateur’s on the Internet it’s professionals in Hollywood making this pure turd film that cause the decline in American art.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

“Merchant Ivory films presents….” Alright, alright, I kid.  This is a sequel to a 1998 film called “Elizabeth” and it stars Kate Blanchett.  The film is about the Spanish Inquisition and the war that England fought to keep Spain out of her boarders.  The sets and the costuming are sure to win an Academy Award and the acting is sure to be top notch.  I will avoid this movie like the plague.

Beowulf

Written by Neil Gaiman.  Rad.  Stupid effing motion capture.  Not rad.  I don’t understand the point of taking motion capture and making the animated figures look exactly like the actors and turning the entire movie realistic to the point that it doesn’t look animated… it just seems counter productive and way too much work.  Beowulf should have been live action, but since it’s this motion capture then I really don’t care about it.

Movie Trailer Review, Episode 15

I saw Superbad, but I already mentioned that.

Harold and Kumar Go To Amsterdam

The sequel to the spin off.  The trailed was funny.  I didn’t see the first movie and I’m sure I won’t see this one either.

Dark Knight

This was a teaser trailer.  Big effing deal.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Looks worst than the first one.  Terrible terrible trailer.  God damned awful.  The makers of this trailer should be ashamed of themselves… I can’t really comment on the quality of the movie but the trailer is complete rubbish.   I am carrying on because I really enjoyed the first…. I know I know, it was terrible, but I thought it was a lot of fun.  This looks… just… for lack of a better word bad.

Walk Hard; The Dewey Cox Story

This was a really good trailer.  It’s the next film from the funniest film maker in Hollywood, Judd Apatow.  John C. Reilly plays Dewey Cox, a Johnny Cash type character, in what I am going to call a mockopic.  The trailer gives us a very clear picture of the type of film that we are going to get which is a funny take on the big budget biopics that we have seen in the last several years.  Dewey Cox meets The Beatles, Elvis and other musical icons all played by big names.  The trailer has got me really excited for this movie.

Movie Trailer Review, Episode 14

I went and saw Hot Rod with the wife… more on this later.

Good Luck Chuck

This looks like a terribly superficial and illogical film.  The trailer tells us that women think that Chuck is lucky and if they sleep with him they will find their true love, of course Chuck wants to find his true love so he is viewed as very unlucky… until he finds the one.  It’s movies like this that make me hate these kind of movies.  The trailer was awful.  The film is directed by first timer Mark Helfrich and it’s written by television kids show scribe Josh Stolberg (who, despite a writing credit on Avatar, seems to work on generally bad projects). 

Mr. Woodcock

What the hell happened to this movie?  You might remember that I reviewed a trailer for this film way back in Movie Trailer Review, Episode 5 (November 22, 2006).  Obviously the film has suffered a couple of delays.  I was interested in the film then, but I’ve completely lost interest now.

Dragon Wars

ROFLCOPTER!!!  Is this for real?  Someone is playing a prank, right?  Who thought this was a good idea?  I guess the plot is a bunch of Dragons wake up and start fighting each other in the cities of the world.  Directed by some Korean director/actor and staring nobody of merit the film Dragon Wars looks worst than Dungeons and Dragons and Alone in the Dark, combined.

-Josh

Movie Trailer Review, Episode 13

Went and saw The Simpson’s Movie last night and it was just exactly what you would hope for in a Simpson’s movie.  I loved it.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Remember Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, right?  Well remember them again thanks to computer animation!  The film was directed by Tim Hill who has worked heavily on SpongeBob SquarePants… so that’s good.  However the film was written by Don Rhymer who has a laundry list of writing credits including Deck the Halls, Big Momma House 2, and The Santa Clause 2.  They got Jason Lee in there as David Seville, and I guess that supposed to help the Gen Xers feel better about this film.  Bottom line is that it was a crappy trailer for a crappy B grade Hollywood film.

Bee Movie

A bee learns that humans eat honey and decides to take action.  This film has a lot of big names, Jerry Seinfeld, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, John Goodman, Chris Rock, and my personal hero Patrick Warburton.  The directors Steve Hickner and Simon J. Smith are nobodies, and the writers Spike Feresten and Barry Marder are even worse.  But enough cast and crew analyzation, the trailer was pretty funny.  It’s always cool to see Jerry Seinfeld in something.  I doubt I’ll see this film, but it could very well be a winner.

The Game Plan

The Game Plan, The Pacifier, Mr. Nanny, and Kindergarten Cop… what do these films have in common?  They all have hulking actors get their lives thrown upside down by the introduction of a child to their life.  Oh goody.  The Game Plan pits Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson against a seven year old daughter that he didn’t know he had played by Madison Pettis.  I am a big fan of The Rock as is everyone at Schalicto.com World Headquarters (and it’s subsidiaries floor42online.com and yoyowiki.org) and I think he’ll tackle (so to speak) this roll with charm and fun.  And Madison Pettis seems like a plucky little kid that should be fun to watch.  I’m going to go ahead and say that I will not be seeing this film, but I hope that it is better than The Pacifier.

Horton Hears A Who

This film looks amazing.  Dr. Seuss’s classic story of the Whos down in Whoville and Horton the elephant who thinks he hears them has come to the big screen under the direction of former Pixar animator Jimmy Hayward.  This looks like an honest adaptation of one of the great children’s stories.

Movie Trailer Review, Episode 12

I went and I saw Harry Potter; The Order of the Phoenix and it was my favorite one yet because it was really and actually good.

Bratz: The Movie

Based on the popular marketing ploy that resulted in dolls, clothing and an animated cartoon comes the trailer for Bratz: The Movie.  I’m picturing Mean Girls without the brains.  I’ve hated Bratz since the very first time I saw a piece of their merchandise, so I’m probably not the best person to review this trailer, but here goes.  The trailer for Bratz: The Movie shows four teenage girlfriends intent on conquering High School while the student body president makes every attempt to break up the friendships (I guess because she’s afraid… or jealous).  Whatever, it’s a terrible plot…. actually it is almost the plot of Mean Girls, but in reverse.  I know this movie was made for me, and in return I will not be seeing it.

The Bourne Ultimatum

Jason Bourne is back and he is more angry than ever.  Bent on learing the truth the trailer shows us running, driving and fighting his way to the finish line and the downfall of whatever covert government agency created him.  Director Paul Greengrass is back for the supposed final installment of the Bourne Tillogy and the trailer looks most bad-ass.  I think the second film was better than the first and I’m hoping this one will follow suit and be the best.

Balls of Fury

My buddy Aaron has been talking this movie up for a few months but I just finally got to see the trailer… and it looks awesome.  The movie has Chris Walken running an illegal underground table tennis ring, how cool is that?  The film is written and directed by Ben Garant who also created the much loved Reno 911, so good for him.  He also wrote the film Let’s Go To Prison… which makes me feel like breaking this computer right here and now.  I’ll admit, I’m going to see this movie just because Chris Walken is in it.

The Dark Is Rising

Looks terrible.  Walden Studios brings us another movie of a kid in a fantasy land, wowie.  The Dark Is Rising is about a youngster who learns that he is imortal and thus should fight evil.  The trailer does not instill me with a sense of confidence.  The movie is directed by David L. Cunningham who also directed…. um… nothing.

Fred Claus

A few years ago Will Ferrell was in that movie Elf which filled me with christmas cheer, this year I think Fred Claus is going to do the job.  Vince Vaughn stars as Fred Claus the partying brother of Santa who is forced to move to the North Pole to work in the family business.  Paul Giamatti plays Santa.  Kevin Spacey, Ludacris, and Kathy Bates all show up to help the movie along.  The film is directed by David Dobkin who proved he was no slouch when he made the 2005 sleeper success Wedding Crashers.

-Josh

Movie Trailer Review, Episode 11

Went to a matinee of Blades of Glory today.  Saw two new trailers.

Delta Farce

Dj Qualls and Danny Trejo star with Larry the Cable Guy in what is sure to be the worst movie of the month.  The unit in the reservists gets activated to go to Iraq, but due to some kind of hilarious mistake they end up in Mexico.  Comedy movies are very fickle and I don’t think that director C. B. Harding has the timing or prowess to make something worth watching.  But it’ll probably make some money, but not off of me.

Disturbia

The High School drama department puts on a rousing teenage adaptation of Hitchcocks’ Rear Window.  Shia LaBeouf stars in this terrible trailer and it could make him a household name (if anyone can figure out how to say it) just a couple of months before he’ll be seen in the Transformers.  The trailer for Disturbia is terrible.  It’s about twice as long as it needs to be and it shows us about five times more than we need to see.  It’s amazing how a trailer can show an entire movie in just a couple of minutes.  I’m not going to see this terrible piece of crap and with any luck I won’t have to see a trailer again before it turns into a forgotten flop.

Sorry about the lack of blog posts lately, I’ve been playing a lot of Desktop Tower Defense.  Try it out and you’ll understand.

-Josh